I arrived at Julie's party around ten o'clock. It wasn't a large party, not in the usual sense of the word. I guess about 20 people. It was a good party though. The neat thing about Julie is that she always invites really cool people. For instance, I'm standing in the corner when this guy comes up to to bum a smoke.

"Hi man, I'm Jesus," he said. His brown eyes looked into mine, penetrating, you know? He had this long black wavy hair that curled onto his white gown.

"No shit," I replied. "When did you get here?"

He smiled, a benevolent sort of smile, as you would expect.

"Just passing through," he said. "Got a smoke?"

"Sure," I gave him a Marlboro.

We must have talked 20 minutes, Jesus and me. I don't really remember what he said, but he was really profound, like I remember thinking wow, over and over. He was just telling me this really incredible stuff, then Julie puts Honky Tonk Woman on the CD player and he says, "See you later man, I'm gonna dance."

Well this just freaks me. See there's Jesus, surrounded by all these hot babes dancing to the Stones, and he's really into it. And all these babes see, they don't know it's Jesus and they're dancing with him as though he's just some guy.

Later I'm sitting in the kitchen and Jesus comes in, looking for another cigarette. It's really weird, because he never told anyone else who he was, so I'm the only one who knows. Anyway we sat and talked and he's telling me all this stuff and suddenly he falls down on his knees right in front of me and he says,

"Come on get down, come on, pray!"

and I'm thinking wow this is really cool and next thing I'm right down there with him and he's saying all this stuff like:

"I have found the one we seek," and asking for guidance and all that stuff. Anyway while we're down there Julie walks into the kitchen and looks at us and Jesus, real calm like, says, "I lost my ring," and starts searching on the floor, then he looks at me and winks.

Jesus winked at me.

That just freaked me out. Then he says, "Let's go for a walk," and I don't really want to but I think, "Come on man, this is Jesus," so I go anyway.

We're walking down 23rd street and he grabs my arm and looks at me with those brown eyes.

"You've been chosen man," he said. Just like that.

"No shit," I said. "Hey, is it O.K. to say no shit? Like it's just words you know."

He said, "It was O.K. before but now that you are chosen you should try and avoid it,"

I told him, "O.K. man that's cool", and he gave me one of those benevolent looks.

"Yeah man, you've been chosen," he says, "And you know, I've been searching all over man, and I saw you and I said yeah, that's him right there."

Well, what do you say, when Jesus chooses you? I just said, "That's cool with me Jesus."

Then I asked him. I don't know these things, so I said," Is it O.K. to call you Jesus?" and he gives me this weird look and says,

"That's my name man." Just like that, and I thought, "Wow".

So then he says, "Come back to my place and let's talk," and I said, "Where is your place?" and he gave me that weird look again and crosses over the road. Then he walks up to the church and I said, "Oh shit . . . and he gave me another look. "Sorry, sorry I'll try and remember that. Of course, this is your place," and he just smiled and stood outside the door. Then he turned to me.

"I forgot my key."

I started laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"Well I just never thought that Jesus would use a key," I said.

"So what do you think, I walk through doors?" he asked.

By this time he was getting really pissed. Well I guess being Jesus it doesn't really do to have people know that you forgot your key, so I went all serious.

"You wait here and I'll force a window and let you in," I suggested. And he switched back to his benevolent look again. That's pretty cool when you can do that. So I went round the back and found a window and forced it. I climbed through it and unfastened the door for him. As soon as we got inside he went straight to the altar and lit some candles. I hadn't been in a church before. It was fancy man. All these cool pictures and everything.

"This is quite a place you got here," I told him.

"You like some wine?" he asked.

"Er, yes sure," I replied.

He went through to a small room at the back and returned with a bottle of wine and two goblets. I opened it. The label said,"Communion Wine - not for resale." It was O.K., I guess for cheap wine, except I thought that he would have had good stuff. So, we're sitting there drinking wine and he suddenly said, "Got any more cigarettes?"

"Well yes," I said, but we can't smoke in here can we?"

"We're closed." That's all he said. "We're closed." Cool eh? So I gave him one and we lit up.

"Can I ask you some stuff?" I asked.

"Yes, sure. Go ahead."

"Well, you know, I've never been much on religion, until tonight that is, so there's quite a bit I don't understand. For instance, when you're up there in heaven with God, what do you call Him, you know when your on your own. Do you call Him God, or do you call Him Dad?" He looked at me kinda strange.

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"Well I just wondered," I said. " Things like that interest me.

"I call him Father," he said.

"Oh of course, yes. How about all those miracles we heard about. Did you really do all that stuff?"

He gave me a new look that I hadn't seen before. It was really cool, kind of all seeing, all knowing.

"There are some things it is better not to know," he said. His voice was really calm.

"So what does being chosen mean exactly," I asked him. "Like anything you want man, you know anything. Just ask."

He poured the last of the wine into his glass and said, "Meet me in the park tomorrow at noon." And he just turned round and walked back into one of those rooms at the back.

The next day it was raining, that light kind of drizzle that makes everything look misty. I was waiting outside the band stand and he appeared, ethereal like, out of the mist.

"Hey man, got any cigarettes?" he asked.

I gave him one.

"Thanks man."

By now I'm wondering what's coming down so I ask him right out.

"So what does it mean, this being chosen gig man?"

He grabbed my arm. "It's no gig man, This is for real see. You have been chosen as a soldier of the Lord. Disciple, front line troops man."

"You mean like Mathew and all those guys," I asked.

And then he started.

"Prrrraaaaaiiiisse the Lord." Real loud like, you know. "Prrrraaaaaiiiisse the Lord."

And there's two old ladies sitting on the bench and they look real scared. Well this is a rough park see, and I'm saying, "Hey man, shhh, not so loud." But he's like really gone.

"Prrrraaaaaiiiisse the Lord."

And I go over to these ladies, 'cause I don't want no trouble see, and I said, "Don't worry ma'am, that's Jesus that is."

And one of these ladies is real deaf and she turns to the other one and asks,
"What did he say," and this first one said,
"He said that's Jesus," and she said,
"Oh that's nice dear," and gave me five bucks. It was then that I started to realize how much power he had.

After a while he quietened down. His eyes were glazed, real tranquil and he was breathing heavy. I gave him the five bucks and he put it in his pocket.

"So what do I do," I asked him.

"We gotta raise money, lot's of money first. That's phase one man."

I was puzzled, I mean, this is Jesus, so I said to him, "What's to raise. Can't you just get it?"

He gave me that look again. "What do you mean, just get it?"

"Well," I said. "I thought like with you being Jesus and all you could just make it you know, like take a bunch of carrots or something and just turn it into money."

He put his arm on my shoulder, friendly like. That was the first time he had done that. "You know man," he said. "I'm going to let you in on a secret here, but you don't tell no one O.K.?"

"Yes sure Jesus," I said, "Anything you say."

He looked right at me. "This miracle stuff ain't all it's cracked up to be."

Wow man. I felt pretty good right then. Like that's a big thing to admit you know, especially from someone like Jesus. I felt like that Moses guy must have felt when they revealed all that stuff to him. After that he bummed a cigarette off me and we walked a bit.

Suddenly he said, "Jesus knows everything you know."

Well that was kinda strange to me, I mean, I don't even know the names of all the countries or anything. For instance, he said, "I know all about you." Well I guess that I didn't believe him but I should have.

"Tell me some stuff man," I said.

He carried on walking. "You just got out 3 weeks ago," he said. Now, there's no way he could have known that, no way, we just met yesterday.

"Yes, that wasn't my fault," I told him.

He gave me another one of his looks. "How about the three times before that, and the ones where you weren't caught?"

" Hey, not so loud man," I told him, "Like you don't go saying that stuff in public."

He grabbed my arm.

"On your knees boy, down on your knees," and he pushed me down and I'm there on the grass and he starts up again.

"Prrrraaaaaiiiisse the Lord." And I'm saying,

"Hey not so loud man," and there's all these people looking.

"Prrrraaaaaiiiisse the Lord. Repent your sins boy."

And all these people are looking and I'm saying,

"Don't worry guys, that's Jesus that is." And some old guy gave him two bucks. Just came right up and said, "You save him boy, you save him," like I'm a discount coupon or something.

After a while he calms down and he has that glazed look again. I didn't mention being chosen any more. We just walked a bit and then he turned to me.

"Have you got a bible?"

"Well, err . . . err . . . no not really," I said.

"What do you mean, not really? You've either got one or you ain't. Which is it?"

Well it's hard, telling Jesus that you ain't got a bible. I mean, this is his book we're talking about

. "I guess it got stolen," I said.

"Here." He gave me one. "Read it and meet me in the park tomorrow."

I stood there in front of him, holding the bible.

"So what are you still hanging around for?" he asked.

"Well, I was sort of wondering if you could autograph it." I said.

"What do you mean, autograph it, it's a bible."

"Well I just thought that it'd be cool, what with being autographed and all."

He gave me one of his looks again, so I told him that I'd better be going.

I still think that an autograph would have been cool though.

Madness Previous page

Written by Tony Roberts
Email inquiries & comments welcomed.
Contact: troberts@awinc.com