Meerschol von Bulstecomit's Famous Rules of Dating

1. First and foremost, keep your date alive at all times. Under NO circumstance should he or she be allowed to pass out of this existence. Besides being a common courtesy, violating this rule makes the possibility of a future date almost impossible.

2. Never actually physically consume parts of your date. Although in some circumstances it is quite acceptable and pleasurable to pretend to consume parts of your date, one should never remove limbs, organs, or other components of your date for digestive purposes. The reason for this rule is currently unknown.

3. Don't ever try to force your date to change into any type of household appliance. Besides being very difficult to do, even for the best of us, it breaks the basic rule of relationships: I like you the way you are (i.e., it's okay that you're not a refrigerator-freezer unit, you're a great person).

4. No matter how bad a date gets, never let them see you sweat. By this I don't mean that it's not all right to sweat, which is sometimes unavoidable. What I'm talking about is this all too familiar situation: "Hey, let's pull over and I'll get my portable electron microscope out of the trunk and you can watch my sweat glands produce semi-viscous fluid!" Believe me, I've tried it several times and it almost never works. I have heard that it can provide mild entertainment for biology majors on psychoactives, but even then one might seriously consider getting back to the basics. Try teaching inanimate objects to talk; that's always a winner.

5. Never, never, never cover your date with molten glass. I have always failed to see the attraction to this, but can assure you that it's not a way to start a successful relationship. Besides ruining a nice set of clothes, it can often be quite painful. Why would anyone do such thing?

6. Don't dynamite your date. Due to the nature of the fibrous cellular structure of one of the components of dynamite, Tri-Nitro-Toluene is right out! It's best to stick to ammonium nitrates, nitroglycerin (great for those hard to reach places), plastic explosives, and don't forget good old gunpowder!

goddamn clown7. Don't turn your date into a blue-green fishman or fishwoman from the darkest depths of the ocean. This one is just common sense.

8. This last one can be ignored in some circumstances, but it's usually best to refrain from trying to see how small of a space you can get your date into. This includes jars, glasses, aquariums, telephone headsets, drawers, and various tubes and vials. As a general size rule, it's best to keep your date away from anything smaller than your average speaker cabinet.

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